zoomaru

If I were...

... Britney Spears, I'd tell my ex husband that i was moving 2 hours away into the hills where I'd start wearing jeans or khakis with a black t-shirt and sunglasses purchased at target. I'd travel to see my boys as often as I could and I would wear panties. I would return in 3 or 4 months looking clean and healthy and maybe I'd develop a deep and abiding love for yoga and reading cheesy vampire romance novels. I'd follow the rules of my legal counsel and management and have a turn-around story to rival Drew Barrymore's.

... ann coulter, I'd just shut the eff up.

...the food manufacturers, I'd figure ways to make people healthy rather than just milking their wallets and over-stimulating their bad impulses.  When I say my ice cream is light? You'll know that it's both lower in fat AND calories. I won't sneak in extra yummy sugar and corn syrup! promise! and I'll put real-world serving sizes on the nutrition labels. Everyone knows that an entire box of macaroni and cheese sometimes constitutes a single serving. It happens, so back off.

... George Bush, I'd drop concerns for my party's success in the next elections and speak honestly about the mistakes I'd made. Our people deserve it.

... lawyers I'd stop engineering laws and language that just succeed in improving my own billings. Pretty sneaky to review and require language on all corporate materials that only I can decipher or would ever consider questioning. I don't think I really have my clients' best interest in mind. But yo, obviously I'm wicked smart. Law school? nearly killed me. But I haven't lost my reason and compassion. I'll stop the insanity that requires 16 disclaimers and will expect the same out of others.

... diet aid manufacturer I'd admit that this shit doesn't work. See that asterix? *results not typical? That absolves me totally of any claims made in this ad (see above re: lawyers). If I were being totally honest, I'd say "I know you want to feel better about yourself, I know you're frustrated and feel like you don't have any control. You say to yourself, if only I were thinner, I'd be more attractive, I'd get a date or my husband would love me. And the real work involved is just to hard. If it'd make you feel better to send me $39.99 and feel like you're taking a step in the right direction, than do so, I'd happily cash your check and we'll both be happier."

... lindsay lohan except for the kid references, I'd follow Britney's example above.

... hateful gossip blogger I'd learn the difference between cutting remarks and being petty and nasty. I'd learn there's a way to mock someone's outfit without trashing their character. It would become clear that making fun of children is like fighting an unarmed man. They can't defend themselves and their lives and details are not in their control. I'd realize that you are indeed rubber and I am glue. And much like most of the above, I'd learn that lining my pockets is not as important as acquiring good moral fiber.

Dear Gap, J Crew, Banana Republic, Old Navy and all you other clothing stores,

Why must you perpetuate the insanity that is the low cut pant, let alone the ULTRA low cut pant. I think we can all agree that we’re tired of seeing lady-ass-crack. I’m tired of feeling a mighty breeze whenever I squat to pick something up. I’m tired of seeing other peoples’ muffin-top popping over the waist band of their jeans. And part of the problem is that you, providers of fashion, offer no choices! I abhor the mom-jean as much as the next person. I don’t want to see anyone clad to their rib cage in denim and khaki, but why can’t there be a choice?

The last time I was at Gap, I was informed by a chipper sales person that even the “at the waist” choices were low cut. Hunh? That’s retarded. And I’m also pissed off whenever I go looking for a size 12, which is a pretty average size nowadays and you’re totally out of them. MAKE MORE PAIRS in popular sizes, you idiots! Make the 0’s and 2’s order online, they hardly leave the house to buy food, let alone shop for clothing, so free up some space for the real people who are buying your clothes! And please, admit to yourselves, that your customers are not all skinny little 14 year olds. Design a range of clothes that can be flattering to many body shapes. Have you NOT been reading the newspapers and magazines? Our country is made up of bigger shapes these days, you should be creative enough to rise to the challenge. Rise to it already!

I also want to speak up for my plus-sized sistahs, how can the clothing industry consider a size 14 a plus size? Right now, a size 14 is the AVERAGE size of an American woman, but most AVERAGE clothing stores hardly carry anything in that size. You have to step over to serious Big-girl storeland. Only Old Navy acknowledges that women who wear size 18 deserve to let their ass-cracks hang out too.

And why are stores like Target (oh Target, I do really love you, don’t consider this a break-up, just a “what the heck”) dressing children like ho-bags? If you make a 14 inch skirt, 14 year olds are going to wear them! I’m not saying “don’t sell em” I’m just saying, “hey, give us some options!”

Sincerely,
Big-boned girl

P.S. Can I get a “Hell Yeah!”
P.P.S. I’m TOTALLY rocking out old skool to Led Zeppelin’s eponymous CD. ROCKING OUT. Good times indeed!

Don't you just love when someone asks for your opinion and when they don't like what they hear, they ask you again, as though this will change your opinion? They disagree with this second statement of your opinion, and when you don't change it, they argue their stance and say that they DO want to get your opinion. At this point I had to say, "I AM giving you my opinion" "But don't you think that X and Y should be Z" "No, I told you what I thought." "But i'm trying to get your opinion."

That doesn't make me difficult does it? sheesh. 

I had written a rather self-indulgent-woe-is-me piece here, but the miracles of technology have wiped this slate clean! I'm glad the text disappeared. Imagine a very nasally whiny voice saying "my job is HAARD. I'm getting OLD. My child yells A LOT. My husband leaves his dirty socks around." wha wha freaking wah.

I'd been feeling a little anxious all weekend, a little existential, a little mid-lifey and then I saw a piece on the refugees in Darfur in Africa. What right do I have to complain? There are women and children without homes or food or future. How does one face the day there? Wheee! we get to walk hundreds of miles to the next camp! Wheeee! i have 4 children to feed. No wonder they don't really notice the flies that land on their faces. Much bigger fish to fry than that.

My set back today? I was out of sugar-free vanilla syrup for my latte. I'm pathetic!  

What? you say? Yogurt with what amounts to pop rocks that you mix in yourself? No wonder kids are spastic. All the food companies are engineering their products to a) appeal to children and b) make them strung-out sugar addicts. There doesn't seem to be a breakfast food that hasn't been injected with icing. Fast food restaurants, in fear of class-action suits, offer fruit as an alternative to fries. While their motive isn't really altruistic, i don't care as long as they're providing healthy alternatives. Cereals and other grocery products purchased for children are getting worse and worse. Granola bars used to at least provide some grains and raisins. Now they're swirled with chocolate and laced with meth. I can imagine the children whining in the grocery aisles now... please? it's only got a little meth in it!

Remember in grade school when your mom would pick out one of your nicer, less crappy outfits to wear? You'd be called down to the ersatz photo studio manned by a polyester-suited man suffering through their own personal hell of photographing 10 year olds in all their squirmy glory. You'd be handed a cheap plastic comb which never did me much good as I have rather curly hair and combing it just encourages it to poof out like nobody's business. Does everyone have a few random wallet-sized portraits of themselves that have turned all reddish-orange from second grade? Three weeks later you'd be handed an envelope with a single shot repeated over and over and over. If you blinked in the middle of the shot? tough tittie said the kittie. That's how all of your relatives would see you on their mantels. Or, God forbid, in the family's christmas card sent out that year.

I had my picture taken for work yesterday by an actual professional photographer, instead of just a coworker as in the past. He was wonderful at putting me at ease and coaching poses that looked rather natural out of me. The harrowing part? Reviewing the digital results and realizing that I'm older. I am 40 after all. In my thirties my face certainly changed, but now? Now i'm looking middle-aged. or at least very tired. I feel like i have to redefine myself again. I realize i'm a mother to a two year old and that's more common these days. I'm a wife too. I've gotten the hang of being that too. I guess it's the "old" part. The no longer being valid thing. or something. I'm not really so morose about it or anything, just, well, a little bummed. Internally I think I'm better than i ever have been. But now my outter self is hitting the skids!

It's true, youth is wasted on the young!

Startled out of a heavy sleep at 5:30 this morning to find our precious (and i use this just as sarcastically as my mother did when referring to my brother and me) screaming her head off because she couldn't fit the froggie boots over her pajamied feet. Not a little mad, SCREAMING mad. BOOT ON BOOT ON BOOT ON.

She managed to smash one on and got the other half way on before calming down. And no matter the situation, if there is one parent wrangling the child, there is invariably another parent still in bed. this other parent isn't sleeping, of course, but they're still PRONE. something that is highly desirable in the pitch black before dawn.

I hate winter anyway, getting up before the light ticks me off even more and there is someone in the house who is SLEEPING and it's NOT me.

My company just added my bio to their website, they hired a bonafide writer to polish the thing up. Why was I so bent out of shape when my three word headline was "drummer. mom. would be gardener"? I'll tell you why... well, i think i understand why.

While accurate in a way it has all the edge of a Family Circle magazine and while I am concerned about feeding my family and making our house attractive being summed up as "mom" just doesn't sync with my inner feelings of not-knowing-what-the-hell-I'm-doing. Or that I might have interests outside of my husband and child. That my career is less-than-important.

I came late to marriage and motherhood, compared to the rest of the world. Married at 36, mothered at 38. I've had quite a bit of time to define myself as a wise-ass and kick-ass graphic designer. I'm not just wiping up another's spittle all day, I'm an internet junkie who reads a lot and who loves microbrewed beer, especially from the local brewers. I'm also up to my ears in new music. Scouring iTunes and emusic for new up-and-comers.

I will admit a few things. First, i clearly have a stereotypical view of moms as being florence hendersons. I should admit that moms come in every flavor and shape. I should admit, that my personal life has become a lot more important to me than it was in my 20s, but I always hoped that this would happen. Back then, i was able to commit myself more fully to my job. Although i wasn't necessarily fulfilled by it, I was compensated for it.

ah well. it appears that I must come to better grips with my view of myself. My life has morphed but not my view of it. But perhaps i can also redefine those descriptors: Web Junkie, Baby Wrangler, Music Fan.

Good lord, I can't wait for the election to be over with. Where did the issues go? ie. Mr. Bush has done very little good for the country in his four years, and garnered a whole lot of bad will from the world's community.

The one thing he may have done right was look sufficiently concerned after 9/11. and boy a day doesn't go by when it's not harped on. he is flaunting an event that he didn't cause or plan, but only that he looked sad when he was supposed to look sad, and read speeches that someone else wrote. what sort of "accomplishment" is that.

Banning stem cell research? pissing off korea, china, and the entire middle east? eroded environmental protections? Enacted a medicare/prescription card that seems to do little for the elderly except confuse them? what a legacy!

I'm not convinced that Kerry is going to be a lot better, but he can't be any worse!

And though we might think it will all be decided Nov 2, the truth is, we all know that it will come down to the supreme court again. *sigh* no wonder both parties want the opportunity to pick the next justice!

People are always trying to point out the cause of our society's calamatous (yeah, that's spelled so wrong) decline. Violent video games. nipple rings on national TV, teen boys in baggie shorts. the real culprit, i think, are the 24 hour news channels. Sensationalism? Don't get me started.

At no time is this more evident than during this recent flu shot shortage. I'll explain.

The 24 hour stations are scrambling for stories, they repeat there stories over and over, every 15 minutes. To compete, the local news shows sensationalize every headline... "If you don't get a flu shot, will you end up in the hospital?" Where's the balanced reporting in that bullshit? Does anyone discuss how often people actually die from the flu? Is this season's strain worse than in the years past? how many peole usually get shots, and how many more people are getting them this year because of the hype? It's sickening.

Scott Peterson... they're dredging the lake again... remember that "news-worthy" story last year? Four days of NO NEWS. this was not a news event. it was wishful thinking. maybe they'll find something.

ack. i got started.